Heartbroken

I lost my big brother this week, he has crossed over the rainbow bridge and become a bright shining star, an angel looking down on us.

Let me tell you the story mummy told me when I asked her how Peppar became part of the family so many years ago and what he was like as a kitten.

14 1/2 years ago mummy found a scared little kitten in a pet shop. When mummy went inside she noticed that this kitten was scared of everything so mummy spoke to daddy and then before he knew it the little kitten was part of a loving, caring family. A cute little black and white fuzzball, who no longer needed to be frightened as he was surrounded by love, care, compassion and food.

He was scared of everything, every noise, every movement every new experience. It was ok though, mummy and daddy were there to love and reassure him and as he settled in the kitten came out and play took over, his big sisfurs Misty and Mia helped to make him feel at home. Despite being so scared he had a fiery little character and mummy and daddy called him Peppar.

The little kitten settled in on mummy’s pillow where he slept every night, most nights trying to suckle on mummy’s neck before snuggling in for a cuddle, often lying right over mummy’s neck like a scarf, front paws on one side, back paws on the other! This was ok until he started to get bigger and mummy had to ask him to just use the pillow instead. They often used to race to get to bed first to get the best spot on the pillow, needless to say Peppar always won and mummy ended up with the smallest corner and Peppar sprawled across the rest in pure comfort. Occasionally if Peppar was dreaming deeply he would twitch and mummy would get a paw to the face! Mummy being mummy though wouldn’t get mad, she’d just reach up, gently stroke him and say to him “it’s ok Pep you’re safe, it’s just a bad dream, you’re ok, go back to sleep sweetie.” She would hold his paw until they drifted back off to sleep.

Being the only other boy daddy and Peppar were kindred spirits , “Us boys have got to stick together.” He would say. Even when Peppar left a chocolate drop (💩) on daddy’s arm one day, that was ok, “these things happen” daddy said and it just got cleaned up, no telling off, no shouting. Being boys together they would often sit watching the tv together or just enjoy each other’s company. Despite being so scared of everything Peppar was calm and relaxed with mummy and daddy, sharing his cuddles and love between them.

Peppar was a mischievous kitten, hiding and pouncing on his older sisfurs, he would hide behind the litter tray, lying in wait to pounce on Misty or Mia when they came out! Mummy and daddy always said “Careful Peppar, what comes around goes around” and sure enough when Angelin came along, she did exactly the same to him!

Peppar loved his food, so much so that when mummy and daddy came home form work one day a bit late Peppar had got hungry and decided to try and feed himself. He had figured out how to open the hallway cupboard where the food was kept, find the pouches and drag them out of the box. Knowing that dinner was always served in the kitchen he tried to drag each packet down the hallway, through the living room and into the kitchen. Each time being foiled by the lack of opposable thumbs to actually open the packet so going back to try another one. By the time daddy got home there was a trail of gravy through the flat and cat food pouches strewn along the way with lots of little tiny kitten teethmarks in them and a very pleased looking Peppar sitting in the kitchen, paws and chin covered in gravy patiently waiting by his bowl. “Look daddy I saved you from having to get the food out” All daddy could do was laugh and tell Peppar what a clever boy he was! It must have been a real effort as the pouches were about as big as he was!

If ever anyone came to the door Peppar would hide under the bed for hours after they had gone. If people came to visit he would be nowhere to be seen but gradually over the years and knowing that mummy and daddy were never far away he stopped being such a scaredy cat and became the most chilled boy. He had gone from being a completely scared little boy to a super chilled, love bug. Nothing at home really phased him, he even sat on the floor when it’s hoovering time and refused to move, before he would have completely freaked out but his was the cool, chilled Peppar (unless you’re a vet that is, then velociraptor Peppar comes out to play). Recently even when mummy and daddy had friends over Peppar came out to see them, ok it was because he was hungry and loved food but this would never have happened before. Aunty M who visits us has spent years trying to say hello or stroke Peppar and this year out he came to see her. I fink it made her year.

When Misty became an angel and I came along, Peppar welcomed me with open paws, not one single growl or hiss, he just accepted me as if it was just the most natural thing for me to have joined the family. We immediately bonded, he was the ying to my yang, my snuggle buddy, my calming influence, my support and the one I went to when I was scared, confused, in need of a cuddle or just to chill with, he is and always will be my best mate. We were always side by side, always snuggled up together, he gave me confidence, strength and balance. I think he’d always wanted a little sisfur to look after and I was more than happy to fill that spot. I was the only one allowed to really snuggle up with him, share his snuggle bed and occasionally mummy’s pillow with him (never at night though). Sometimes he even let me eat his dinner!

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So what do I do now? What do I do without him? My heart hurts and I know mummy and daddy’s do as well. I can smell him everywhere but I can’t find him or hear him. I’ve been looking everywhere for him, calling to him but he doesn’t answer. “We miss him too Jen” said daddy, giving me a loving stroke, mummy chipped in “we’ll get though this together, we will remember him with love and happiness in our hearts, it just takes some time for the sadness” I curled up in the snuggle bed to comfort myself, it smells of Peppar.

Even little Angelin who has never, ever been allowed in the snuggle bed curled up in there, like me she loves Peppar too and used to follow him everywhere, often sleeping near to him, never snuggled in like me but always close by. She’s never experienced loss before and so we’ll all have to make sure we look after each other and get through this terrible time as a family.

The first night after he became an angel was tough, specially for mummy who shared her pillow with Peppar every night for the last 14.5 years. So, I did something I’ve never, ever done before, in the middle of the night, ever so quietly I crept gently up onto meowmy’s pillow and snuggled into the familiar smell of Peppar and cuddled up against mummy’s head. I think it made her feel better coz she reached up and gave me a little stroke, kissed my paw and whispered “thank you Jen”.

Love you forever big bro